In limbo... waiting for One Day

There will be a lot of "I" in this post as opposed to "we." Andy & I have been communicating but also just getting back to a routine and a re-start on our life. We need a little mental break from Infertility and making any big decisions, but it's impossible not to keep it on a conscious level, so this post is my current point of view.

I am not completely depressed, but not really happy either. I feel in limbo, with not enough energy or money to figure out what to do next. I have thought a lot lately about the finality of this last phase because I had so much more hope in doing IVF. I really thought it would work since I thought my main issue was my fallopian tubes, causing ectopic pregnancies. "At least you can get pregnant..." (5 times) was a phrase I heard so often from others and told myself to make me feel better. Little did I know that wasn't even the main issue and I have poor quality eggs with little to no hope of resulting in a viable pregnancy at all.

I am just having a hard time accepting it, accepting that my body doesn't work the way it's supposed to. "I can't have kids" is a phrase I have heard, and I think there are so many layers since I can still "have kids" and I hope to one day even if it is not the traditional route, but that's really the short story for me. At this point in my life, in a physically literal sense, I CAN'T HAVE KIDS. It's pretty devastating.

I know everyone has things going on in their lives - that IS life. I would like to think this experience has made me more sensitive to that in having relationships with others, and Infertility is a major part of mine. It's not going to kill me, but it is a disease and I struggle with it every single day, both mentally and physically. I am far from conventional so I don't believe that I have this need because society has made women think they need to have children, and I fully support people who don't have them. Trust me, some days I wish with all of my heart that I didn't want a child to complete our little family because it would make things so much easier. However, I do believe that Andy and I are meant to be someone's parents, so we're going to make it happen somehow, some day.

I am going to Fertility Planit this Friday & Saturday in Los Angeles. I do a lot of my own research, but I feel like attending this event will make me feel like I am doing SOMETHING and it will feel good just to be around people who can relate to my situation. We're all fighting for what we want in life, and I hope I can bring empathy, information and inspiration to others so I am going to learn and do all I can to make that happen. I will do a couple in conference blog posts, but you can also follow me on twitter at @JustBeecuzzzz and/or #FPLA14

Here are things that are making me happy right now:

• Pink Grapefruit Perrier (always, preferably Slim Cans)
• Cauliflower Tacos at The Blind Burro
• San Diego Padres
• Little Italy Mercato Farmer's Market
• Lemonheads (thank you Stacey)
• Pinterest

I still couldn't do it without you all. xo, P