Happy Friday, I am going to enjoy the weekend, prepping for Monday

I know I have been quiet this week; it was nice to have a break from the anticipation of daily phone calls. I was feeling great and non-stressed since last Friday when the roller coaster stopped, and now I feel like I am crawling out of my skin now that Monday is approaching! We are going to Temecula to visit the fam this weekend – Andy's parents/grandparents/aunt, and my mom so it will be great to see & hug everyone and relax. It should be about 90° and my in laws' backyard is amazingly beautiful and peaceful so I plan on a little baking in the sun, and possibly visiting a few wineries. 

Thank you to everyone reaching out. I have had a lot of feedback on how strong we are and that it's amazing that we get through every day. I don't deny that I am strong, but I really want people to know that is most definitely not always the case and that it is perfectly okay to not be okay or positive all the time. There are many times I worry and cry, even during the work day I need to escape at times to the park and cry my eyes out or work from home if I can't manage communicating with people face to face. I actually haven't had those moments this week, but I think I am just in a window of being at peace until after Monday afternoon. Work is actually a nice distraction and I have some of my closest friends there to laugh with. Then I have the many amazing phone calls, texts and facebook messages that lift me up and keep me moving forward. We are feeling good that the news is coming on St. Patrick's Day – hopefully it will be a lucky day for us. Our appointment is at 3:15, which we pushed to the end of the day so we wouldn't have to return to work. I will say that we are at the point where we are ready for whatever the news may be. Andy has made a complete mental comeback and he is just READY and amazingly strong for us right now.

Here is what is really going through my head when I try to fall asleep at night thinking about every possible scenario in Monday's appointment:

If there are any viable embryos, we will figure out when the best time is to do the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer), which will be amazing, but will spawn a whole new set of worries for me. I know that will be what we have wanted and will be our only chance of having a pregnancy with a biological child so I should be happy out of my mind. But, you can't help what you think and feel and thoughts and feelings are usually formed by previous experiences. So, I will be worrying about the chances of the embryo even implanting after transfer. Then if it implants, I will be worried about miscarrying – I have been pregnant five times and all resulted in losses. I could go on and on… so then I bring it back to that I hope we even have the chance to have these worries.

If there are no viable embryos, I will be pretty devastated but we have been preparing and as I mentioned we are just ready to move forward. We would need to take some time to figure out what the next steps would be, what is realistic financially, and start researching options! I am not going to lie, I am exhausted both mentally and physically but we need to make it happen somehow. A month ago, I wouldn't have thought I had the strength to keep going and somehow be happy in general at the same time, but Andy and our wide network of support has replenished what I thought was depleted for good.

I will post again on Monday night 3/17 after our appointment. xo