Much needed Sister Time, and Scared

I got some much needed Sister Time in the past week! My sister, brother-in-law, and nephew (almost 4 years old) were visiting from Florida. One highlight of my week was that we got to have a “slumber party” with Caleb staying over at our house for the night while my sister and her husband were at their hotel. I had so much fun making his dinner, getting him to put on his pjs, watching some cartoons, etc. He LOVES his “Dod” (Uncle Andy) so much, and my heart just melted seeing them snuggle on the couch together. I had the day off of work after the slumber party too, so I got to enjoy all the morning kid events (starting at 5am by the way! curses to “Florida time”). The funny thing is that my sister showed up at 10:30am, and I was so disheveled, still in my pajamas, and hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet. However, I did have Caleb fed, bathed, dressed and ready for the day. Victory!  My sister looked gorgeous, and I complimented her makeup. She said “thank you, and that’s because I had time to myself to get ready this morning!” But YES, I am ready to do this every day.

On Thursday night, I was very emotional as I anticipated our in-service appointment the next day (Friday 1/10). I am just really scared. Scared it’s not going to work this time, and scared that we won’t be able to even go on after that. I fear we will have no more energy for another couple years of putting everything else in life on the backburner, and no more strength for false hope resulting in disappointment, and we will really have no more money to invest in this gamble. I know I have to get through this next round, but it’s almost like I want to delay it because I just don’t want it to be over. There are so many hurdles left: producing eggs, that agonizing 5 days in hopes they (or it) turn into a blastocyst, chromosomal testing to see if they are even viable, the risk of losing an embryo in the thaw after freezing it, if we get to a transfer the embryo not implanting, if it does then hoping I don’t miscarry again, and ON AND ON AND ON. I would love to tell myself not to think like that, but I can’t help it. It seems so impossible and daunting, and I have to go through this thought process to get myself mentally prepared (and try to stay mentally stable). 

Friday I was pretty nervous and nauseous, but it was comforting going to the clinic again. I do love the staff, and I know they are pulling for us. It’s a longer protocol (I got my wish on the delay) and a different mix of medications. I will outline it more specifically on my IVF Round 2 page in the next couple of days for those who want to read it more detail, but basically I am feeling like A Rod and I am going to be on a shitload of medications for the next 2 months. One downfall is that the first round of meds was $2500, and this one is over $5K – out of pocket, not covered by insurance. That’s just the medications by the way, not the actual cost of the fertility treatments, which will run us another $35Kish by the time this is done. This adds to the nausea. Tonight I spent a few hours researching infertility grants and tax deductions. I am just going to try to take it in stride this week and try not to obsess too much about it. Wish me luck…